I'm not good at small talk

I am an official NaBloPoMo participant. Yaaa! Or maybe not yaaa. Ask me in a week. I figured this was a good way to kick start my blog and provide me with motivation to write daily. Ok I'm bored already, but I will not do a fluff post just to be able to say I posted daily. I don't have the southern gift of making polite small talk, so I will really have to put some effort into this. Which is a good thing.

This is my birthday month, the month of my 30th birthday. My big milestone. I have heard that 30 is the new 20 and 40 is the new 30 and so on. I think this is what people say who don't want others to notice that they way they are carrying on is really age inappropriate. Pamela Anderson is a good example:

This is no good for the old 40 or the new 30!

Now that I'm married, I get asked "When are you having a baby? What are you waiting on?" I guess I'm waiting on my conscious and subconscious to agree that they both want to be a parent, not just have a baby. Oh yes, I want to have a baby. I would like to know what it's like to be pregnant, feel my baby growing inside me and watch my body change. I want to experience birth and nursing and see who our child would favor. All of this is related to having a baby, not so much with being a parent. I know having a baby makes you an automatic parent, but I see a separation of the two. Being a parent is all of the baby stuff but more than that. The pregnancy/baby stuff is just the beginning and such a small part.

When I imagine myself as a parent, I think about the sacrifice of my time, energy, money, attention, sleep, and logic. I am a procrastinator. Will having a child turn that around, or will my procrastination make things more difficult than they needed to have been? Will I love my child so madly at first sight that all the unpleasant things that come with parenthood "be worth it"? My husband just started back to work after being laid off for 9 months. He is making half of what he used to make and even before he was laid off, we weren't exactly rollin' in it. Will our income be enough to support a child? Am I still too selfish? I hear being a mom is a self-sacrificing job. Thoughts like this are why my answer to the baby question is "No time soon".

But then I think, hey I'm (almost) in my 30's. Shouldn't I feel an urge, a push, a yearning to be a mother? I don't. What's up with this biological clock I hear so much about? Shouldn't I want a child before my fertility starts to decline? I guess. Not every woman is designed to want to be a mother. Maybe I'm one of them and that does kind of makes me sad. Hmmm, it makes me sad that I wouldn't be a mom. Did I just hear a tick?